It Happens……

Well dooms the day came….

I fell for him, flat on my damn face! Butterflies in my tummy, cooing babe every chance I get. Yep I am an idiot smitten. Everything I wanted to run away from, Everything I was afraid of; being vulnerable , someone being able to hurt me, someone having hold of my heart, it’s here. I haven’t posted in a while because I ran out of Tinder stories. This happens when you start dating one person and tinder goes at the waist side.

The culprit, Peter Pan, The crazy guy who came into my life got rid of my inhibitions and turned me into some crazed sex goddess. I am scared shit less, but happy. It’s so crazy to have a connection with someone I met on fucking Tinder of all places and we just click. He gets me, I get him, I can say anything and not feel I am going to be judged. I can show up to his house dolled up or in my yoga pants and get the same greeting (that is pretty damn awesome). We have had many crazy adventures lately. More trips to Sf and have just gotten back from a trip to Vegas.

Everything really does happen when you least expect it.

So there is a lot more to post….

I created a new blog and hope you all will follow. I hope you enjoy my adventures with the very charming, completely handsome, Peter Pan.

http://twentysomethingandnolongertindering.wordpress.com/

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My Face on a Milk Carton

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So I walked in my door last Wednesday night or I guess it was Thursday morning around 1:30 am. The First thing I saw was Kayla screaming at me, next I saw a cop sitting at my dinning room table. I’d had a few martinis and a couple of glasses of wine. Everything was a bit fuzzy…..

Last week instead of heading to Peter Pan’s he came to visit me. We went to dinner and then out to a bar where a friend of mine was Djing for the night. I had been super stressed  and in true Peter Pan fashion he came to help me let my hair down. While we were at dinner my phone rang and I put it on silent. When I am with people I like to give them my full attention, I don’t answer my phone or text. But I think I am getting ahead of myself…..

In February our house was broken into while Agatha and I were at home. Since then there have been several creepy things happening and everyone is a bit unnerved. We always let each other know when we are coming and going and about when we will be home. We don’t got outside after dark alone and always make sure we are all accounted for.

Peter Pan picked me up around 7:15 I rummaged through my purse, slipped what I needed into a small evening clutch and we went to dinner. Around 10 we were sitting in a local bar and I had happened to check my phone that was still on silent. I had a text from Kayla and Agatha saying they were headed home from Kayla’s moms house about two hours away. I responded with “ok, drive safe. I’ll be home soon.”. Soon to me is a very lax term. Soon can be a few hours but what I meant was by the time the bars closed.

Peter Pan and I enjoyed our night out and when I got home there was a cop car parked in front of the house. Peter pan commented on it and in my drunken state I brushed it off, said good night and went inside where I was completely off guard. Kayla was screaming there was a cop sitting at the table and I was drunk. Kayla had proceeded to tell me they were in the process of filling a missing persons report. Apparently they had been trying to call me for hours, I had left a shoe in the hallway, my purse was rummaged through, and the dome light had been left on in my unlocked car. Everyone was in a panic. I was in tears from Kayla screaming at me in my drunken state. Agatha was trying to field off the attacking roommates and I called Peter Pan who had heard Kayla yell and waited outside figuring I would call. Peter Pan came in and laughed, which only fueled Kayla’s fire. Agatha was still trying to get her to calm down. I went outside to call my dad, who they had called trying to get in touch with me. My dad laughed at the situation as well. Who knew a simple miss-communication could become such a damn nightmare! Peter Pan calmed me down and headed home. I crawled into bed still sobbing and sniffled myself to sleep.

I woke up the next day, eyes swollen from crying, pounding headache, and completely  exhausted. Thank God I had come home when I did, it could have been way worse. I understand that they were concerned but this was all a bit dramatic. I have found my own place and will be moving come April. I now know this was a good decision, I do not need drama and added stress. I love my roommates as people but I am very excited to have my own place living with people is hard. I will only be cleaning up after myself plus no one can put my face on a milk carton if I don’t come home.

A little something about my twenty something self(Semi- Rant)

So after posting my experience of going on a date with a man I later found to be married I figured I would give a little more back ground about myself. I am in my mid twenties and was somewhat happily married. Now newly single and with all trust and faith in men thoroughly destroyed I am back in the dating world…….Let’s start at the beginning

I met my husband when I was 21 years old. I was out with some friends and family when a very cute, very goofy man with absolutely no game when it came to women started talking to me. I found him charming and adorable, we exchanged phone numbers and I didn’t expect to hear from him. I spent the entire next day at an amusement park with my dad and sisters not paying much attention to my phone, I checked my phone late in the afternoon and had not one but two texts from him. I text back and we started talking. When I got home that night we spent three hours on the phone and set a date for the following Friday night. He wasn’t at all like the guys I had dated in the past, he was goofy instead of cocky, silly instead of macho and just a genuinely kind person. We dated for about 7 months and moved in together, I was a single mom and my son was about a year and half when I moved into his downtown apartment with him. We lived together for about a year until we got engaged and everything was great. We had our ups and downs but every couple does and things were good about 99% of the time. Shortly after we got engaged I lost my goofy guy, he seldom  gave me any attention, and I started to feel more like I had a roommate than a fiance. All of this would be explained a few months after our wedding.

In February of 2013 I discovered a phone number while unpacking boxes when we moved into our new house. It was an old crumpled piece of paper that said Mandy and had a phone number written under the name. Right before My husband and I started dating he had been dating Mandy(not exclusively) , she was younger than I was, had no children and from what he said couldn’t keep a job. When I flipped the piece of paper over it was a receipt the date on the receipt for a local Walgreens was August 2012, two months before my wedding and right around the time we almost called the wedding off. For a few weeks I didn’t say anything, just kept it to myself and struggled to ignore it for the sake of making my marriage work.

With my heart full of resentment and hurt this was a huge struggle. I didn’t like to be around him and tried so hard to force myself to be happy with him. The more I pushed for “us time” and date nights the more he pulled away. I started to do my own thing, spending more time with my girlfriends, not making him a priority at all. This made things even worseBy the end of June it was kinda like wow, who is this couple. OMG it’s us…..how the hell did we get here. When all was said and done he admitted to having an affair.

I was heart-broken and still struggle to trust any man in any way. I am constantly suspicious, and always ready to flee. Some of the men I have dated I call things off with merely because I like them and when you like someone you can get hurt. So why risk it right? Chances are I will end up with my face in the dirt heart-broken and alone so why put yourself out there? I am usually very guarded and do not let people in. That is part of the reason Peter pan scares me. Why am I so comfortable with him?

I can talk to him about anything, he is always there when I am stressed or upset. He always knows when to hug me and when I just need to deal on my own. I share WAY too much with him and he just kinda gets it, he never runs off when I get emotional instead he is comforting and caring.I am usually fine standing on my own to feet but find myself calling him when I am upset. It scares me, a lot.  So at what point will I decide fight or flight? Either fight the urge to run and try to trust someone with a penis; Or I can just take off all together knowing that this way I will never end up hurt.

It’s ridiculous that I feel this way and I don’t know how to make it stop. Between my son’s father and my ex-husband I feel as though I have more baggage then Southwest Airlines; and I don’t know how to put it down. After my son’s father and I split I found me again, without the baggage. This time I feel as though yes I am me, I am happy, but somewhere along the line the part of me that believed in love and the fairy tale died a horrible tragic death. I want to believe that one day I will find the one, that one day I will be swept off my feet in ignorant bliss and everything will be magical. I won’t be afraid and he will be my prince charming, but it just sounds like such a crock of crap! Relationships are not magical, they are simply a transaction where each person benefits from something the other does, if you are compatible and don’t get on each others nerves then that’s it. There is no human being that can love unconditionally, we are too selfish. There is no man who will never looks elsewhere, they are programmed, it is in their nature. The other part of them looking else where is that no matter how good whats in front of them is, they will always wonder what can be better. It could be a sex thing, or something as simple as someone appearing to be more doting and endearing.

So that’s my story in a nutshell, sorry not sorry if I seem bitter but I kinda am. Honestly I feel it’s completely justified. I am twenty something years old, completely screwed up, having amazing sex with someone I don’t trust in any other aspect then the bedroom who scares the living shit out of me. I am a single mom, trying to catch my balance after a divorce that is uglier than ugly and explain to my son why my husband isn’t around anymore. I’ve got fucking issues, a lot of them and I don’t really give a damn at this point. This is me take it leave it, because I was fine before you got here and I’ll be fine after you’re gone.

So this became a bit of a rant, sorry not sorry……

The Married POS!!!!

Experience: HOLY SHIT, Cat fished by a married man!

Name: Jon (yea I am not changing his name. I hope his wife finds this shit)

Tinder Tagline: None!

Holy Hell,

So I had sometime to kill in San Jose last weekend. I got on Tinder and started swiping. Now I have not been on Tinder in a long time, I have no clue why I thought this was a good idea. So in my swiping I find Jon. He’s 37 and says he owns some “high tech” company that he was very discreet about. Well I think he was discreet because he did not want to get caught in a lie! I really do not think he owned anything. When we talked on the phone he was overly flashy. RED FLAG!

Side note: I tend to date older men, ladies if they have money they aren’t going to be throwing around things like names of cars they own, places they travel, and how many employees they have unless they are liars. Older men that have money are usually confident enough that they do not need to throw it around. I should have known something was up, but against my better judgment I met him for a game of pool. BAD IDEA! BAD!

So when he arrived, he looked nothing like his picture the car he was driving was yes a nice car, about 15 years ago! He was dressed very ill and when he went to pay for the game of pool he pulled out a completely fake Gucci wallet that looked like it was bought in China town.

Now I am not materialistic but I do not understand why someone would need to act so flashy to impress a woman. Yes I tend to date well established men but that is usually due to the fact that I date men who are older than I am, and have a taste for people who are intellectual and a little refined. Nine times out of ten being well off just come with the territory.

So we start playing pool because I was too nice to say that he was ugly and looked nothing like his Tinder profile. It was bad, very very bad. As we are chatting we start talking about our daily life and he says that he has something he needs to tell me before the day went any further. ( I am pretty sure he took my not running off as some sort of sign that I was genuinely interested in him.) When I asked what he met by further he just winked, BLECH! So he began to tell me his deep dark confession…..

He was married, had been for years. Two kids and the white picket fence. Claimed that his wife and him didn’t have sex anymore the whole, “Woe is me speech” that sounded as though it had been rehearsed for years. My first thought was very mean, “Well I wouldn’t fuck you either, Have you seen yourself lately?” If the Tinder pictures were in fact him at some point I was wondering why his wife hadn’t left him. But thank God I now had an out.

Now a little bit more background on me, I am the victim of a horrible affair that resulted in my Ex husband having a child a few months after we separated. I HATE cheaters, if you don’t want to be faithful then don’t get fucking married Asshat!!!

So I flipped shit, told him he should be ashamed of himself, stomped my foot, turned on heal and ran out of there. I was glad to have the excuse to get out of there. I even teared up a bit, I think due to the hurt I had gone through it’s a really shitty thing to experience. When you give someone your all and they give someone else there dick, you tend to have some baggage.

I am really beginning to think there are no decent men left in the world.  Not only was I Cat Fished but by a married man but I am losing all faith in online dating, humanity and men.

Classless, Tactless , Tasteless ,and Teary eyed

Experience: Awkward non-silences

Subject: John

Tinder Tagline: “Regardless if you are rich or poor…it’s good to have money”

I had the most awkward phone conversation of my life last night,it was with a Tinder man, go figure.
It started off nice, a lot of fluff talk, where he had traveled, where he wanted to travel. He presented himself in a bit of refined light on his profile but didn’t really seem to be that intelligent. He seemed semi-hickish and was very ill spoken. I was somewhat enjoying all the small talk, although to be honest I really had no genuine interest in him.
Why talk to him then? Good question! I think it stemmed from a conversation I had with Peter Pan the night before. He told me he had been on two or three dates since we had met. Then made a comment about how I wasn’t dating when dating him. He went on to say that if I am not looking for a relationship with him at this point, then why not date?

I feel really weird that all of this had even came up and don’t know what possessed me to ask him about his dating. Maybe the fact that I was alone on Valentines day and drowned my sorrows in that emotional bitch called wine. It could have been the fact that I am enjoying Peter pan and don’t really like the thought of sharing, even though I don’t want to be tied down. Who really knows….
So I made it a point to try to find someone to go on a date with, and ended up talking to John. After the fluffy talk was starting to die down shit got weird really weird! He brought up his ex girlfriend and somehow we ended up on the subject of their sex life.

Can I just take a moment to rant?

How the hell does this happen to me!?!?!?! I seriously need someone to look over my Tinder profile and explain what on it attracts this shit! I mean seriously, I do not need to know about the great sex you had before. I do not need to see your Penis the first time we text. Can I talk to a sane person for once?

From there he went on to tell me she was in town a few weeks ago and they were unable to see each other.

Sounds to me like John is not over his ex ;and if I wasn’t convinced by this point the next point of conversation left no room for debate on the topic. He then told me that after she left she had called him to say she wanted one last night with him and they had planned one. I was thinking to myself,” Seriously dude, why are you telling me this?, This does not make me want to date you or even stay on the phone with you”. I heard more about her and how at first she didn’t really like him but he fell for her right away. The first date he had gotten a blow job and from what he said it was great. Apparently she moved away and the distance was too much so she broke up with him. They were together for five years and he had been devastated but was ready to get back out there now. ( Yea….I am not so sure about that)

So after hearing all the woes of Johns former love, I made an excuse to get off the phone. He asked if I would call him later and I said sure that I would with having no intentions to.
Are there decent guys still out there that aren’t whining, asking to see me naked and sending me penis pictures?  Peter Pan wonders why I hate dating, shit like this is exactly why….

A Warm San Franciscan Weekend: Part 3

Experience: Naked Ladies

Subjects: Peter pan, Myself, Tricia, Eric, and a Stripper named Angel.

So we had arrived at Little Darlings and let me tell you, there was nothing darling about this place. It was horrific, I really don’t know what was worse the women or the disgusting skunked horrible Coors Light they were serving. We walked in to a dancer with an incredibly large rack on the main-stage. Tricia found it necessary to yell loudly and consistently about how she liked women with big boobs. After her proposal I found it a little odd, I am a small C cup so I don’t understand why she wanted to see me naked if tits are her thing, lol. We stayed here for all of ten minutes and decided it was not worth our time. We headed down the street to another spot called Center Folds…..It was much better!

We walked into Center Folds, it was a much nicer club (if there is such a thing in the world of strip clubs). The women were better looking and the place looked cleaner. Peter Pan decided he was going to buy me a lap dance and so we started to scope out the girls that were in the club to find a good one. (I really don’t know what it is about him but I really feel I can just let my hair down and really try almost anything. It’s somewhat odd to just instantly feel like I can be myself and explore with a man I had at this point known for about 3 weeks, but anyways back to the story) I found a girl I thought was cute and he called her over to talk to us, her name was Angel, so incredibly unique for a stripper! HA!

Angel, Peter Pan and I headed to the private rooms in the back. If there is one thing I have learned from this experience it is to definitely preview before you buy. We had not seen Angel dance yet and so the private lap dance turned out to be more of a grind session. We got into the private room and she stripped down, she had me sit on the little couch and then proceeded to straddle me. It was fun and Peter Pan enjoyed it but I kept thinking that my dress was going to end up smelling like stripper coochie for the rest of the night. When we emerged from the private room and rejoined Eric and Tricia sitting directly in front of the main stage. I had been chugging water in hope of preventing a hangover. I needed to go the restroom and Tricia did to so off we went.

Once we got to the bathroom Tricia asked if I was having fun. I said yes and asked her if she was as well. This opened the door for another life story from Tricia, she began to go on and on….and on….and on

I was beginning to realize that maybe her and Eric did not have the greatest relationship. She was going off about the fact that Eric acted as though he didn’t like the women but she knew that he loved it. Well why go to a strip club with a man if he wasn’t going to enjoy himself, I thought to myself. This woman was bat shit! Completely looney! As we walked back to where the men were seated she stopped and stared at Eric with a scowl on her face, “See just look at him he is enjoying it!”, she said.  We rejoined the men and I cozied up to Peter Pan, who was enjoying the scenery he had an adorable boyish grin on his face. We joked about the women who were “performing” rating them and making fun of the grinding Angel when she was on stage.

We finally decided to call it a night and walked outside, I stood in the street and hailed probably the most hilarious cabbie I have ever met in my life! He was going on about how he can tolerate anything; people doing drugs in the cab, drunk idiots etc., but the one thing he hated was people not using their blinkers. We arrived back at the hotel, said goodnight to the insane woman and Eric,  and headed up to our room where I had a little surprise waiting for Peter Pan…..

He went into the restroom and I changed into something special: A black sheer nightie, with garter attached, black thong and black fish net thigh highs. It is one of my favorite pieces of lingerie and I was excited to see his reaction. He came out to me laying on the bed scantily clad and his eyes lit up! Whew, I was a little nervous as to the reaction I would get. We started fooling around with the blinds to the hotel completely open, it was a huge turn on and a lot of fun, he tied my hands above my head and teased the hell out of me. I savored every moment of it and once again we were off to Never Land!

The next morning we had intended on going for a run, I woke up with the worst headache ever and we decided to save the run for another day. We packed up and headed to breakfast before making the drive back home. The entire time we were checking out I was paranoid that we would see Tricia and Eric. Not something I was really too thrilled about. I had an amazing weekend, I think Peter Pan did as well. It was a beautiful,warm, crazy, unpredictable  San Franciscan Weekend and I cannot wait for our next adventure…..

As of about two weeks ago Peter Pan informed me that Eric and Tricia had broken up. Eric had decided that Tricia was not ready to be in a relationship. I am not sure what exactly gave it away nor do I care, lol. I am just glad that if Peter Pan and I ever spend time with Eric again I do not have to see crazy ass Tricia.

 

Caddies Can’t Shack Up

Experience: I now believe in unicorns

Subjects: Kayla, Myself, And some golf caddies in town for a tournament

Tinder Tagline: “30 years old and traveling the world” (This was for the one we found on Tinder we will call Drew)

So I knew the day would come that Kayla and I would be talking to the same person on Tinder, this day was last Wednesday night. We both had struck up a conversation with Drew, a golf caddie that was in town for only a short time. Kayla and I told him he was talking to both of us and he invited us to hang out at the house they had all rented for the week they were here.I relinquished Drew to Kayla so there would be no debate when we got there. We got ready and headed out of the house. He had given us the address and we ended up at an empty lot courtesy of my Waze App. I thought we were being stood up when Kayla plugged the address into her Iphone and it said we were two miles away, I think if we had taken it as being stood up and called it a night we would have been better off. We got to the house it was pouring down rain and we walked up huddled under and umbrella. There was a man standing on the porch smoking who told us Drew was inside.

We walked in on what looked like a frat vacation, there were 5 guys sitting around a coffee table playing dice for money and drinking disgusting bud light. We said hello and were introduced to all of them. One of the guys looked almost exactly like my ex-husband, I thought it was disgusting but ironically I was drawn to him. We will call the Ex look-alike Sam. We all sat around making small talk, drinking crappy beer and wine, and watching the basketball game that was on. The combination of pounding crummy alcohol  so I didn’t have to taste it ,and the boredom of the basketball game caused my drunken alter ego to begin to emerge. As much as I tried to contain her she was coming in full force and I was doomed.

Let me take a minute to share a little about the Drunken Twenty Something. She has no filter, all class seems to go out the window when she is around, no boundary can’t be pushed and she is invincible in all she does. Her favorite hobby is creating games where people get naked and so this is what happened next……

Drunken twenty something decided to get a game of 4,5,6 going. The rules where the lowest score of each round lost an article of clothing, while the highest score could either take or give an article from anyone including themselves. I was going to win, I had it in the bag, I had played this game my entire life. Well experience means nothing in a game of chance, the drunken me did not realize this. So it came down to me and Sam sitting there stark naked, Kayla lost her sweater and bra; Everyone else was pretty much fully clothed. Eventually the game got boring and we called it quits. Sam, one of the other guys and I stepped outside to smoke. We were laughing joking and having fun when someone mentioned that Sam had a girlfriend. We had been flirting most of the night and the drunken me decided to take this as a challenge. I was going to make out with this guy, maybe more, who knows the drunken me had no limitations or self-respect.  It was on!

Back in the house Kayla and Drew (who seemed to be really out of it) were hitting it off the best two people can when one of them had smoked themselves into oblivion. So eventually all of the others in the house were headed to bed and It was Kayla, Sam, Drew and I. We all hung out for a bit and before long Kayla and Drew headed to the bedroom. This left Sam and I sitting on the day bed that doubled as a couch. We started making out ( I know I am such a damn whore, please understand that the drunken me is uncontrollable) one thing lead to another and we started to fool around. Well my whoreness did not last long because I barely touched his cock and he came…..Yup just like that. It was awkward and horrible and he then asked if I still wanted to fuck. Yes his exact words, oh he was such a refined gentleman. I said no and waited for Kayla to emerge from the bedroom………..and I waited…..and I waited….

Eventually we had both passed out. I woke up at about 5 am with Kayla yelling my name I jumped up and threw what clothing was off on as quickly as possible. Grabbed my purse, my coat, I turned awkwardly to Sam who was sitting on the couch and said, “um yea, so bye”; and Kayla and I got the hell out of dodge as quickly as possible.Once outside the house we both yelled “Oh my fucking God!”  and began to go off about what had happened, with very little concern for the fact that we were still within ear shot of the house. Kayla had apparently had a similar experience…..

This was a life lesson, I will never allow my drunken self to get me into a minute man situation ever again. If you have someone who you can have consistently great sex with do not do anything to jeopardize it and why look elsewhere when amazing is right in front of you.

The kicker was when Drew sent Kayla a message on Tinder later that day it read:

Drew: “What was your favorite part of last night”

Kayla responded with “Well….” right before Agatha took the phone, I love Agatha she always knows the right thing to say……

Agatha Responding for Kayla: “The best part (because I did not enjoy your cock at all or get off in any way) was learning that fairy tales can come true, just like unicorns I didn’t believe that one-minute men were real. Then I met you, Awesome!

I had wanted to say something the minute we left and so once Agatha had opened the flood gates I sent Drew a message via Tinder as well….

Me to Drew: ” The results of last night are in and astonishingly making women believe in unicorns is a renowned  caddie trait”

Needless to say I never received a response, Kayla was deleted from Drew’s Tinder account and we are trying to cope with the fact that they are no longer interested in us…..We are heartbroken and devastated 😉

A Warm San Franciscan Weekend: Part Two

Experience: The Tricia Show

Subject: The lovely Peter Pan, Eric ( his co-worker) and Tricia (his Co-workers GF)

So after the amazing shower session ended we got ready for the evening.  We had a dinner reservation at 7:30 and were meeting Eric and Tricia down at the bar around 6:45. When Peter Pan and I got down to the lobby Eric was waiting for us, Tricia was running a few minutes behind. We all sat and waited for her to come down. I should have known this woman had issues because I’m pretty sure she just wanted  to make an entrance. So Tricia finally arrived (after rudely making us wait about 15 minutes) and we headed to dinner at a steakhouse about 3 blocks away.

Once we got to dinner Eric was being polite and trying to make small talk and get me talking because I was being slightly shy. However this was not working out well because no one else could get a word in during the Tricia show. She talked non stop. I swear she is the female version of sir talks a lot! I heard her life story. All about her kids, how she makes the best cucumber sandwiches , her zodiac sign, and everything in between. I was getting pretty annoyed and went out for a cigarette.The lovely Tricia was a smoker as well and came to join me, at this point I was ready to scream I went out there to get away from her! Just when I was ready to tell Peter Pan that I was done and we should separate from them for the rest of the evening, she started to simmer down and seem somewhat normal. I felt bad for getting so annoyed and thought to myself , “maybe she was just nervous”.

Oh was I wrong, so very wrong……

We headed over to a bar/lounge went in and ordered cocktails. I was itching to dance so Tricia and I headed for the dance floor. Once we got out there it seemed as though she needed everyone’s attention, the men on the dance floor, both the men we were with( Yes including my Peter Pan!) , and everyone else in San Francisco. She was doing everything she could to one up me on the dance floor. We spent about two hours or so at the bar and then someone had the idea to head over to North beach, yep we were headed to the strip clubs. The men headed to use the restroom before we left so Tricia and I went out to smoke. This is where things got really interesting……..

Tricia and I were sitting on a ledge in front of the bar when she began to speak in great detail about her and Eric’s sex life. How they had bought an S&M kit prior to heading to San Francisco, and the kicker was when she started talking about the threesome and foursomes they had been involved in. I was already having a hard enough time digesting the conversation when she asked, “have you ever been with a woman?”. I do not know how I manage to get myself into this shit! Seriously, did someone stick a sign on my back that says “ask me about intimate details of my sex life”, I looked around in hope that the men would come out at that moment but they didn’t. I told her no, she then asked if I had ever had a threesome, I said,”no” and in hopes of getting the conversation on another playing field I told her that I would never be able to with someone I actually liked. I said, ” I feel something like that would create a giant elephant in the room for any sort of relationship”. Then it happened, without even batting an eye she said,”Well do you actually like him?”, gesturing toward the building that I was praying the men would emerge from at that very second. I said, “So far yes”, She responded “Well Eric and I are up for anything”, and at that very moment my prayers were answered! My ever so handsome Peter Pan walked out of the building followed by Eric!

I jumped up and began trying to hail a cab so we could get on with the night. We were having no luck and walked back to the hotel to have the bellman call us one.Once I felt it was safe I pulled my phone out and text Peter Pan explaining what had just happened. Within two minutes we were in the cab and headed to the infamous North Beach district of San Francisco, I clung to Peter Pan’s side and he assured me that he was not game or in on the situation Tricia had proposed. We got out of the cab and headed toward the first strip club called Little Darlings, I was thinking the night could only get better from here.

Well that was just another one of my stupid twenty something assumptions….. Part 3 to come soon

I suck at flirting

Experience: The out of the blue text, and my crummy attempt at flirting

Subject: Aquarius

Tinder tagline: “Take a chance you won’t be disappointed”

I had a huge realization, I do not know how to flirt anymore, or “make someone chase me”. I don’t know how well my dating is going to go if I cannot master the first simple rules of intriguing the modern-day man.

As I was driving to work this morning I received a text from Aquarius a man I had met on Tinder weeks ago and he had fallen off the face of the earth. The text read “Miss me?”, I was so puzzled. First of all I never met this man in person, so how do you miss someone who in reality you don’t know? Wait, oh, I am pretty sure he is trying to flirt with me, got it! So I responded with, “You’re too cute, of course!”. This was once again one of the worst ideas I have ever had. Without Agatha I am pretty much useless when it comes to flirty text messages. Once I know someone and how they work, I can knock their socks off with flirty texts but for some reason when it comes to a complete stranger that I have developed no connection with I am generally dumb founded. So when his response to that was, “Good Girl ;)”. I was stuck hmmmm……what do I say? I know what I would say if it was Peter Pan, something along the lines of, “If I am a good girl do I still get a spanking?”. But Aquarius knows nothing of my sexual preference and the fact that I like to be spanked, and I had no intentions of letting him know. In an attempt to steer the conversation away from where it was going I asked how his night was.

Another one of my Twenty Something fabulous ideas, NOT! When trying to steer a conversation away from sexual content do not ever, EVER reference something that has to do with bed!

Me: “How was your night?”

Him: “Pretty Standard, I woke up alone :(, You?”

( How do I get out of this)

Me: “Laundry and bed, woke up with two-year old feet in my back”

(Surely he was not going to continue this way,  when I brought my child into the conversation)

Him: “Well I am a much better big spoon”

(oh but he did, damn it!)

So where can I drive us that will get us into the “Safe zone” , I was starting to freak and was ready to just stop responding when I decided to text Agatha and ask for help. Please please be awake! And she was, now Agatha like I said is kinda my dating spirit guide. She helps me to allure men and get them talking to me. When I am away from her I usually screw it up by texting too often, or saying the wrong thing. Dating after marriage is like forcing yourself to crawl after you have been walking for years. When you are in a comfortable relationship you can share what you want, when you have something to say you text or call your husband with no regard for how often you have that day. It doesn’t matter who calls who first or if you have given in and sent the first text of the morning.  All the little minuet dating woes that will quickly send a man running for the hills. I don’t get it I mean in reality shouldn’t we just all be ourselves? It would be much easier than discovering months down the line someone is not who you thought they were.
Agatha’s Suggestion response: “Well I hope to test that theory for myself one day”

Yep she is ballsy! Not where I wanted my ship to sail to though

My Actual Response: ” Well I wouldn’t know, we haven’t even met in person” (Safe zone here I come!)

Him:” Oh yes, you’d remember my wandering hands if we had” (WHAT!? Where did my safe zone go!?)

Me: “Oh my that was forward, behave! “(tone it down without completely shutting him down, NOPE!)

Him: “I am not sure I know what that means you are so hot, I want you”

And then BAM! Penis picture! YIKES AGAIN! Why do men feel this is acceptable? I don’t want to see everyone’s penis. If I wanted to see one I would ask first and most definitely be sure it was worth seeing. In hopes of getting another great story as I had only been on one online date and was running out of blog material; I tried to wrangle the conversation. I was incredibly uncomfortable and didn’t know where to go with this. It was hopeless.

It was a complete FUBAR situation and I eventually just stopped responding. I will go over it With Agatha when I get home but for now I accept that I need to attend some sort of dating and flirting university and get a degree in dating with modern technology and men these days. Needless to say I have no desire to meet Mr. Aquarius in person, I don’t want to see his penis again or be spooned. I really don’t have the patience for this crap.

A Warm San Franciscan Weekend: Part One

Experience: A very fun very interesting weekend

Subject: Peter Pan

So I was planning on posting chronologically but had to get the story of the Frenchmen up because it was just too good to wait.

Less than a week after we started talking Peter Pan invited me to join him for a weekend in San Francisco, he had a co-worker and his girlfriend visiting from out-of-state that had asked him to come up and meet for dinner and a night out. I said ,”sure”.  (Really why the hell not, at this point he had already seen me naked and my lovely just woke up face, what have I got to lose!) So Saturday morning I headed to Peter pan’s place so we could head out for the weekend. I was super excited and it seemed he was as well.

Our plan was to check into the hotel early and go spend the day in the city before meeting Eric and Trish for the evening. The ride up was fun, we joked talked about past drunken nights, he told me about how he “did Chico wrong” by actually being productive in school. We arrived at the hotel around noon, the bellman took the car and our luggage.We went over to the front desk to check in and the person checking us in told us at least 4 times that the bar opened at five(this kinda became the inside joke of the weekend).  After dropping our bags and the car at the hotel we walked over to union square for lunch. He held my hand as we walked, kissed me as we waited to cross the street. It was nice considering I did not know how the affection aspect of the weekend would be being as new as everything was.  Maybe it was the sunshine, the atmosphere or the “fuck me” dress that Agatha had pretty much insisted I wear; he couldn’t seem to keep his hands off me and I was loving every minute of it! We decided to have lunch at the cheesecake factory above the Macy’s and as we stepped into the elevator to go up the restaurant he pulled me close to him, ran his hand down my back and found my thong through my dress…..OH BOY!

The elevator was packed, children, little old ladies and teenagers all around us. I looked up at Peter Pan who was now rubbing my ass with one hand and tugging at my thong through my dress with the other. I am pretty sure my face was a dark shade of red and he wasn’t looking; or he pretended very well not to be because I was giving him the behave look and he didn’t even flinch! “How is he so good at this shit!?”, I thought to myself. I was getting hotter by the second and if I didn’t get out of that elevator soon it wasn’t going to matter who was in there they were going to get a free show! After what seemed like a twenty-minute ride in an elevator we made it up to the restaurant; the elevator door opened and I about bolted out of there. We waited for about ten minutes to be seated for lunch. Once at our table we talked again. That’s the funny thing about Peter Pan and I it always seems that we can keep a conversation going no matter what. We bitch about our exes, exchange cute stories about the kids and there never seems to be a lack of conversation. We will go from talking about sex to talking about something random and end up having some deep conversation. I truly enjoy our little talks.

After lunch it was time to shop, Peter Pan had told me many times how much he loathed shopping but he needed slacks for that evenings events.  We were in and out of Macy’s within ten minutes and headed to the hotel to drop our bags before going sight-seeing. I am really surprised we made it out of the room after that, once we were up there we had quite the make-out session but somehow we managed to contain ourselves and sightseeing we went. Typical SF tourist stuff, walking Pier 39, hitting the antique arcade, listening so some guy play drums and sing on the street corner.  All while still not being able to keep our hands off each other. We eventually hailed a cab and headed back to the Hotel.

We slid into the cab and I sat in the middle crossing my legs toward Peter Pan and leaned, close my hand on his thigh. He responded well, sliding the side of my fuck me dress up and down my legs, it would have been great if it wasn’t the worst cabbie I had ever rode with in my life. He was driving like an idiot and I had a hard time focusing on the foreplay taking place while he was jerking us all over the road. After what seemed like hours  we made it back to the hotel and I had never been so relieved for my feet to touch the ground! Peter Pan told me the bar opened at five and we stopped in to enjoy an afternoon cocktail before heading up to get ready for dinner. We sat and he pulled my bar stool close to his, told the bar keep that I would probably order wine and ordered himself a beer. We were both being very flirtatious,and touchy continuing the game of foreplay we had started in the cab. We finished our drinks and headed up to room 349 on the third floor.

We walked in and he headed over to the restroom; I bent over the desk to read some of the hotel jib jab that was on there. When he came out I looked over at him and was given a mischievous smile. He came up behind me began rubbing my ass, slid  my dress up around my waist and began touching me through my panties. He bent over me and kissed my neck his hands had a firm grasp of my hair. He spanked my bare ass and then there was no more containing ourselves. We needed to get ready so we headed to the shower;He bent me in front of him and away we went to Never land!

After our epic shower we got ready and headed to the bar to meet up with Trish and Eric. The day had been amazing and I was really enjoying myself. I had no idea the twist and turns of event that were about to take place that evening. …. neither of us really knew how interesting the night would become, Trish turned out to be an interesting character.

The Three French Men

Experience: The Invasion of  the French

Subject(s): Myself, Agatha, Bethany, Kayla, Jeremy, Bruno, Arthur, Stacy, and Jenny

I woke up this morning with a pounding headache, mascara smeared across my face, on my couch with a strange man. A strange French man to be exact……

I came home last night to a house full of people, all of my roommates were home as well as three French men they had met on Tinder and invited to the house. It was 11 at night I was so confused when I walked into the house and had no idea what was going on. Agatha came running into my room shortly after I got in there and exclaimed,”They’re French, get out here and hangout with us, don’t ask questions!”. So I went into the living room, grabbed a glass of wine and joined the mixer taking place in my house. When they finally admitted they were from the lovely Tinder I was completely intrigued.

The wine was flowing everyone was chatting it up and having a great time. The  French men and I were the only smokers and went out for a cigarette. They were in town for only one night,traveling through California for 30 days and looking to have a good time. When we returned from our cigarette break Agatha asked me,”If you had to pick one who would it be?”. I looked around ,none of them were really that cute to me; one was pretty decent looking (Jeremy) so I said,” Him.” pointing to Agatha’s left where he was sitting. He heard me, there is nothing worse in this world then a man knowing he has a chance not matter how slight it is.

Shortly after Agatha asked Jeremy sat closer to me and actually carried a conversation with me aside from the drunken banter everyone was taking part in. Agatha poured everyone shots, we took them and Jeremy asked if I wanted to go out to smoke. I, said,”sure” grabbed my jacket and boots then we headed out to the patio. I was slightly tipsy at this point but still very in control of myself unlike Kayla who had drunk herself into oblivion before I even got home. Once we were outside he turned on the charm, BIG TIME! It’s funny how someone who hardly spoke at all changes their game when they think they might get laid. Suddenly he was asking about me, brushing my hair off my shoulder, and looking me dead in the eye when I spoke. French men are no different then American men in that aspect, saying what they think you want to hear, flattering you every chance they get regardless of the stupidity in their comments, trying to make you feel as though they could give you the world all for a chance to stick their Eiffel Tower in your American soil. Once back in the house the ladies started dropping like flies, Agatha and Bethany went to bed followed by Stacy and Jenny. That left Kayla, myself and the three French men….

Speaking in French they began to coordinate their master plan and that’s when Kayla could no longer manage her drunken state.  I went into super wing woman mode. “She needs this twenty something, DO something!” , with that thought I played into Jeremy’s interest to save the day. There was only one huge flaw with my master plan. See my thinking was keep them all here and Kayla can have her pick, that was far from how it actually went.

Kayla was toasty, she was getting loud and crazy and despite her desperate desire to get laid she was going to blow any chance. That’s when I realized the plan of the French men. Bruno was going to leave Jeremy and Arthur here. YIKES! Two boys two girls you do the math, this was not part of my plan. See my thought was I could entertain Bruno and Jeremy while Kayla and Arthur slipped away.  As long as all three of us were there Jeremy would behave and Kayla could get hers. So in the midst of the coordination process Jeremy asked if we had anything non-alcoholic, I said yes and he followed me into the kitchen.  As I reached to grab a glass out of the cabinet he reached out and grabbed my hips. In trying to be a good wing woman I brushed him off giggled and moved slightly further away from him. I needed to get the ball rolling so that I could break away into my room and Kayla could slip into hers with Arthur. I called Kayla from the living room told her I was tired and we should all go to bed.

Once I wrangled Kayla into her room, I said goodbye to the leaving Bruno and went to get my pajamas on. I would sit and talk to Jeremy until Kayla and Arthur were done then push them out the door, cake! I could hear Arthur and Kayla getting crazy and was so releaved! Mission Accomplished! Now I just need to find an exit strategy and I can be in my bed asleep in no time.

Well that was not how it happened! Jeremy would not go down without a fight! We sat talking, he continually tried to kiss me and when I turned my cheek he went fo my neck. Exhausted and fed up I finally looked at him and pretty much yelled, ” I am not having sex with you!”( did I mention that I had been drinking all night as well, I wasn’t Kayla toasted but I was drunk). His response was, “Well I didn’t say you had to, you’re a beautiful amazing woman and I just want to enjoy your company”. What a damn line! Ugh! You’ve known me for all of 4 hours and some how you know I am an amazing woman? Give me a break! At some point during the battle of wits that took place for most of the night I fell asleep.

I woke up on my couch, completely disoriented as to where I was, with a splitting headache and thoroughly annoyed! Until Kayla came out of her room. She was happier than I had seen her in a long time! See here is the thing Kayla is newly single as well. She had a dick of an ex that treated her like hell. Although we don’t always see eye to eye she is one of the kindest most caring people I know and she has a huge heart. Her problem is she let’s her insecurities bring her down. She has a done a lot for me and spending one night fighting off a horny French man was totally worth it to see her excited. Her goal this year was sexual freedom and I think the invasion of the French was a great way to start!

Peter Pan flies to China

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Experience #4: Naughty naughty Skype

Subject: Peter Pan

Tinder tagline: I still don’t remember….

Let me back track slightly, I get most of my dating advice from my very open, very German and very into astrology roommate we will call Agatha. I’ve always been a bit naughty in thought and had never really explored my fantasies. My ex-husband was very conservative and would stick his nose in the air at my naughty ideas. Agatha’s advice once I learned about Peter  Pan’s kinky side to just go with my gut opened up an entire world of possibilities when he left to China for a business trip…..

By this time it had been about two weeks, one official date, one casual hangout and an uncountable amount of phone calls that would go late into the night. We were pretty hot and heavy by this point; naughty texts, suggestions, handcuff purchases and more! So when that flame is burning strong and one of you goes hallway across the world you get creative. After lots of dirty flirty texts throughout two days I asked Peter Pan if he wanted to skype me about two seconds after he asked me why my pants were still on 😉

I took a minute to compose myself,I  was shaking and felt as though I was going to vomit. I was thinking ,”What if I do it wrong and he doesn’t like it? or what if I am not really into it and don’t enjoy it?”.” You need to be confident even though you are nervous or else this could be disastrous” I told myself as I washed every negative thought out of my head and pushed the little blue button with the camera on it under his name…..

Then we were off to Never Land Skype style! Him telling me what to do was a massive turn on, him watching me was exhilarating, and ladies I never thought a man masturbating could be a turn on. For some reason knowing that he was doing so to the twenty something Skype show I was putting on made me even more hot and bothered. I was a fireball with flames of pent up sexual fantasies flying out of me in every direction. I felt liberated sexy and surprisingly in spite of my classless sexcapade feminine!

He was in China for almost a week we had a few more Skype sessions while he was out there and by the time he came home I could barely contain myself. I was reved  up and ready to go! I had work the day he flew in lucky for him because I would have jumped his bones in the car at the airport the minute he got in it with no regard for jet lag. Maybe thats unlucky for him, I can’t decide…….

It’s a match!

So ladies how many of you have tried the new dating phenomenon that is Tinder?

Well next question what the hell is going on the world of dating?, How many times have you been asked if you were in for a hook up? or even better just sent a random picture of a Penis?

This is what we have to deal with?!?! I was married and used to brag that I no longer had to be brought into the insanity of dating and it seems that while I was off the market the world of eligible men took a turn for the worst. I wasn’t having much luck when my roommate introduced me to the world of Tinder. What is it? Well the reality of it is you choose if you want to speak with someone or have any interest based on a few photos and a brief description. If they say they want to talk well then it’s a Match! Yes completely shallow, like most men! You can talk via the very flawed messenger provided by tinder, eventually they usually offer a phone number or ask for yours and you can start texting. This is usually where it gets a little odd…..

So experience one: The DTF question

Subject: Jersey Boy

His Tinder tagline: “I love adventure and travel”

Jersey boy and I spoke for about 3 days via text message. He seemed normal enough and I wasn’t afraid to meet up with him. So we set a date to meet for coffee the next week. When he realized I lived an hour away his response was, “Well that’s a long way to travel for just coffee”. So being naive to the new to me online internet dating jungle my first response was “Maybe we can do dinner”. Then it happened I received a text with three little letters and a question mark
“DTF?”

Sadly I did have to Google it and learned the modern day acronym made famous by the amazing people of Jersey Shore….

DTF = Down to F*&k

Can someone please tell me when it became appropriate to just ask that question? I don’t know you from Adam,we haven’t even spoke on the phone; yet you want to know if I am willing to have sex with you. Well when my response was “no” Jersey boy vanished off the face of the earth, surprising. Well I guess the hour drive for someone who loves to travel is just too much if he isn’t guaranteed to get laid.

Experience #2: Let’s talk about me

Subject: Sir Talks a lot

His Tinder Tagline: “love a good time and living life”

Well I guess the name really says it all with this one, a two-hour phone conversation all about him! I would ask a question and then listen to a 15 to 20 minute answer, not able to get a word in what so ever. Sir Talks a lot only wanted to talk about him and didn’t even have the common courtesy to ask anything about me. I now know this man’s life story and have not desire to listen to why he’s single, what kind of toothpaste he uses (oh yes he went there, and unfortunately I am not kidding), or what he ate for breakfast that day. Well he must have not realized the phone conversation didn’t go well because it’s been about a month and I still receive several texts asking how I am and what I am up to.

So ladies if you have a Tinder horror story please share! Dating advice for the newly single me, let’s hear it. I will continue to share my stories and adventures of Online dating. Let’s talk Tinder!

Enough is Enough

I could not have said it better! I am fed up with seeing myself and the amazing women in my life go through hell. Let’s change the game ladies. If we all refused to be treated like crap and manipulated then men would have no choice but to change!

K. Lee Ellis

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Disclaimer: this is a rant and if you are male, I apologize… or as my roommate attaches to everything she writes on social media: #sorrynotsorry.

Sometimes I prescribe taking the high road. Sometimes I admire soft-spoken words, passive resistance, and turning the other cheek.

Sometimes… I say stand your freakin’ ground.

This morning I woke up tired of the abuse. Okay, not mine specifically, but the abuse of my friends. Men constantly manipulate them to get what they want. And do you know the worst part? They let them. I confess, I’ve been there too. And I know it’s not that simple. Relationships, life, men, are complicated. It’s never black and white.

Except, sometimes it is.

For example, men (some, not all) can be boorish jerks online (okay, and in “real life” too). For some reason, they feel like they can say whatever they want– whether it’s rude…

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Good Question….

 

In reading some other blogs I kinda came to a realization. It seems a lot of ladies that have gone through the trenches, either a life change, divorce or ending a long-term relationship seem to know what they want at this point. This gave me a lot of mixed feelings…

Who am I?

Well I am me, a twenty-something year old divorcee and single mom. I find it hard to answer the question “What do you do for fun?”. Do I honestly know who I am if my fun consist of workouts, reading and bath time? My entire life prior to being dropped on my ass was my home, my husband, my son and my job. Now I have my little guy, my career, my tinder dates ( some of them I could live without), my workouts that are no longer as frequent. I am feeling a bit lost in all of this. I am fun outgoing and energetic when my son hasn’t drained my energy with his latest tantrum. I am giving, I love helping others and I truly have a love for anyone in my life. I try to go above and beyond to help those I care about and make them happy. Why does it seem that all of who I am is really more about everyone else. Have I completely lost myself? If I did why am I just realizing it? I thought that I had managed to figure things out and have been very happy since moving on with my life so why do I feel so down today? Why did it just hit me?

What do I want?

I have no damn clue! None not one. A co-worker and I were chatting yesterday and she said,” Remove everyone from your life but you and your son, what do you want? and what are your expectations?” Honestly I couldn’t even answer her. I don’t want a relationship, just someone to share things with and have fun with. I don’t want or need to meet my next husband but I don’t want to waste my time either. It seems that everything that came out of my mouth was a complete oxymoron.

So why is it that a question and a few blog posts have completely made me feel as though I a drowning. If you had asked me two days ago my answers would have been solid so why all of a sudden has that changed. What triggered this reaction in my brain? I am me, I love my son and even my crazy roommates, they take me on adventures and make me laugh when I need it most. I have great friends who keep my spirits high. I am confident( can I even still say that?), I am driven and I know what I want for mine and my son’s life. I have fun and don’t take myself too seriously, but there is always a time and a place. I am affectionate, caring and kind to those around me. I want a happy healthy life and eventually a happy healthy relationship, but not yet. Right now I guess I just want someone who cares about me but doesn’t expect much of an end result without completely barring any chance of one. I want someone to be with when I am with that I don’t need to worry about much when I have a vomiting child, I am busy at work, or I just want to be left alone. I am extremely affectionate and tend to express myself though touch. I want someone who is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated without hesitation, and if I make them a priority eventually I want to be a priority as well.  I feel in my marriage I was starved for affection, I want to have someone to be affectionate with that will return it to me. Am I asking for too much without being able to commit?

Am I losing my mind or am I allowing the expectations of other let me question where I stand?

 

I sound completely insane, I know this isn’t one of my typical posts but I needed a vent.